Country Christmas
(With apologies to Clement Clarke Moore)
'Twere the night before Christmas, and all through the land
Nobody was stirring, ‘cept Nick - the ranch hand.
By the fire his boots were a dryin’ with care,
He sat getting toasty in his red underwear.
The dogs were curled up in a pile by his feet,
Dreamin’ of cats, sticks, bones and meat.
Ole Nick was enjoyin’ a sip of hot toddy
And sleep was a creapin’ upon his tired body.
When out in the pasture the cows started mooin’,
Nick jumped in his boots to see what was a ‘brewin.
Wonder what’s causing that terrible racket,”
He said to himself as he grabbed his red jacket.
The round moon was shining like platinum metal
He hopped in the ranch truck and stepped on the pedal.
He drove down the road and out to the field,
Lookin’ for trouble with his two eyes peeled.
When all of a sudden, the truck swerved and pitched
And landed wedged between snow bank and ditch.
“Dang it,” he said, “what should I do now?”
When all of a sudden he began to hear cows.
He grabbed him some rope tied one end to the truck,
Lassoed the whole bunch, crossed his fingers for luck.
Then he threw a snowball at the cow in the lead -
Them old cows reacted in rapid stampede.
The truck spun its wheels and lurched from the ditch
With Nick cheering on eight cows all in hitch:
"Now Sugar! Now Pansy!
Now, Maudy and Fossy!
On, Petunia! On, Lizzy!
On, Buttercup and Bossy!
Get me outta this ditch!
Get me back on my way!
Now pull me out girls
and I’ll double yer hay!"
Those cows hit the road with the ranch truck a trailin’,
Their thunderous hooves at top speed were sailin’.
Away past the next ranch the ensemble flew,
Cows, the truck and Nick the ranch hand, too.
The ole rancher’s wife was risin’ to cook,
Heard all the racket, stuck her head out to look.
She rushed to her husband and started to cry
“Get up and do something, Santa’s passin’ us by.
So the legend was born down on Eastside near Fowles
That Santa rides a ranch truck pulled by eight flyin cows.
Have a great Country Christmas with its holiday fare,
Just don’t check on yer cows in yer red underwear.
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